The Torch is Valparaiso University's student newspaper. It's not allowed to have its own website, for fear that it might make the university look bad. Of course, I'm no longer writing for it, so maybe this will change. Anyway, sophomore year, I unexpectedly became the editor of the Opinions section of the paper, never having previously done a darn thing for it or actually worked on a newspaper at all. One of the many unexpected "benefits" of my job was getting to fill space every week when writers didn't turn stuff in. Some of it was pure crap, space-fillers. Some of the better stuff, or just stuff I had fun with, is on here.